Weekly Briefing from the North Texas Apocalypse Bunker, 1/7/22

Hail to the King Edition

The bunker administrator, deep in his logistical calculations in his newly configured 2022 Bullet Journal. Also, note how he’s rocking that turtleneck.

The air is crisp and bracing, knifing straight through all relevant protective gear, and that always signals the start of a new year. As the entire administration staff scrambles to get on top of the annual inventory count, the perennial tax burden, and various and sundry related nettlesome tasks, we are also hastily making room to welcome the Director of Bunker Operations on a permanent basis. There are plenty of logistical issues to untangle, but all of us in Administration are confident that we can effect a smooth and worry-free transition. Our countdown is on: we are a fortnight away from co-habitation.

The annual staff photo of the NTAB always ends in disaster.

The bunker mascot, as you can imagine, is thrilled, as this means twice the number of people to dote on her and keep her in the manner to which she has become accustomed. We still have to re-introduce her to the bunker stairs, but I am sure that two heads are better than one for this task.

TCB at the NTAB

Those of you who are newcomers to the NTAB might not be aware that January 8th is Elvis Aaron Presley’s birthday, or that the Administrator is an ordained Priest of Elvis. Let me briefly explain why this is a noteworthy thing.

I don’t celebrate New Year’s Eve, not really. Certainly not like everyone else. Oh, I’ll cook the food, I mean, I’m not stupid. But the kissing, the singing, the resolutions...there’s too much baggage. Too much pressure to do these things, or your life ends and everything around you dies. Not really, of course, but it feels like that when you are twentythree and don’t have a girlfriend in December. So I opted out years ago.

Instead, I celebrate Elvis’ birthday. There’s no pressure there, unless it’s the pressure to watch an Elvis movie, eat a peanut butter and banana sammie, or walk around the house singing, “A Little Less Conversation.” You do you. It’s what Elvis would have wanted.

Instead of a New Year’s resolution, which everyone breaks, I make a promise to the King. You wouldn’t lie to Elvis, now, would you? He wouldn’t lie to you...think about it.

And I offer blessings to whomever might require one. In my capacity as a Priest of Elvis, I am authorized to do this. For illustrative purposes only, I will share my NYE blessing with you:

O Mighty Elvis,

We know that you are the one true King of rock and roll,

and I ask that you take (insert your name here) under your wing and

Walk a Mile in Their Shoes.

Treat Them Nice, and Don’t Be Cruel.

and don’t leave them out in the cold Kentucky Rain.

In exchange for Taking Care of Business, I will simply say

Thankyouverymuch.

This is powerful stuff, not to be used lightly. You have been warned.

Make this a new tradition, if you are so inclined. You can still eat black eyed peas and all that jazz. But next week, when everyone is struggling with their new gym memberships, you can kick back with a cheeseburger and Viva Las Vegas and have a conversation with your inner Elvis and I promise you, it’ll make you see the New Year in a whole ‘nuther way.

There is no way in hell they weren’t rutting like stoats throughout this movie. They sang a duet (“You’re the Boss”) that they couldn’t use in the movie because it’s so bloody obvious they were knocking boots. Check it out here.

Field Notes: Waco

All that being said, I did do some New Year’s Eve-Type things in Waco last week. Hanging out with a family not your own is always an interesting glimpse in how other people do things, like get along with each other. Janice’s clan is a large one, a mix of young kids and elders. Their holiday traditions are rooted in playing family games.

Earlier in the year, I was introduced to 31, a card game that I was sure the family had made up for the sole purpose of hazing me. I was relieved to learn that it was, in fact, a card game, and a pretty easy one to play, once the nuances of each turn were imparted to me.

For the holiday season, they upped the ante considerably with a game called Hat, Gloves, and Scarf. It involves everyone rolling a die in turn, and each time a “6” shows, that person has to try and unwrap an elaborately sealed present. But wait! Before you can do that, you have to quickly put on a weird hat, a winter scarf, and a pair of thick winter gloves. While you are struggling into these accoutrements, the die continues to pass from player to player, each one frantically trying to roll a “6”, and if they do, you have to hand over what you have and they get to try and suit up. It's frantic, involves a lot of yelling, and takes longer than it probably should take.

An added bonus is that when you get the present unwrapped, you often find there is another thing to unwrap inside. Yes, nesting boxes! Fun! Here’s the results of the game I played last week. Notice the glazed expression on my face at the size of the box I uncovered. Inside was a handful of tiny M&M’s and a five-dollar bill. So worth it.

Time stood still while this took place. Twenty minutes felt like two hours.

Weekly Report from the N.T.A.B. Division of Media Review

 Last year, in a joint extracurricular project designed to foster education and camaraderie between the Administration and Bunker Ops Department, we came up with a list of 20 actors and actresses, written down and numbered, that we could randomly choose from with a die roll. We would have to each come up with a movie to watch, starring whomever the polyhedral chose for us. It was a fun exercise that allowed us to show the other person movies we liked and occasionally check off the ones that “you know, I’ve been meaning to watch that...”

My biggest surprise was The Mephisto Waltz, a low budget horror thriller starring a baby-faced, pre-M.A.S.H. Alan Alda and Jacqueline Bisset. I’d seen the images of the dog with the human head for all of my life, but never tracked the movie down. Janice, for her sins, had never watched Machete, which we chose because of the questionable decision to watch Steven Seagal movies and found that she loved it completely. Sidebar: she is now also obsessed with Danny Trejo and fully intends to see everything he’s been in. Good takeaway, if you ask me.

This movie was better than I thought it was going to be, but it’s still very dated and hopelessly mired in its 1970s-ness. It would make a great double feature with The Dunwich Horror (1970).

For 2022, we have decided to repeat the experiment using movie directors. Our collective list appears below, and we will update it as we go, along with notes. You are more than welcome to play along with the home version of the game. All you need is the list and a 20-sided die. In older times I’d have to tell you where to get one of those, but in 2022, the likelihood that you have at least one of them in your house already approaches 90% or greater.

1. the Coen Brothers

2. Michael Curtiz

3. Penny Marshall

4. Frank Capra

5. Quentin Tarantino

6. Jacques Tourneur

7. Alfred Hitchcock

8. Howard Hawks

9. Stanley Kubrick

10. Orson Welles

11. Wes Anderson

12. Jim Jarmusch

13. Akira Kurasawa

14. Clint Eastwood

15. Ridley Scott

16. Raoul Walsh

17. David Fincher

18. John Huston

19. Tim Burton

20. Guy Ritchie

The NTAB Directorial Culture Exchange of 2022 will begin later this month, once we are under the same roof.