Weekly Briefing from the North Texas Apocalypse Bunker, 7/14/23
"OH GOD I'M BURNING ALIVE FROM THE INSIDE!" edition
For the past two weeks, the small group of dedicated scientists in the department of weights and measures have been kept busy combing through every single scrap of data pertaining to weather in the Vault of Knowledge, seeking an answer to the question, “why are we switching places with the planet Mercury?” They have no answers, but their reassurances that they are “working on it” do not fill us in Administration with confidence. Even the various disguised extra-terrestrials and mutants who have blended in with the general population in North Texas seem at a loss. One of them was distinctly overheard in Wal-Mart last week, talking to the mothership on their phone, saying, “I moved here to get farther away from my sun.” I can only assume that their star was dying and taking the solar system with it.
This heat is giving me a brain cloud. I can’t seem to get cool—I mean, I can’t even seem to vent any steam. I suddenly know what a peach cobbler feels like when the amateur baker forgets to cut slits in the crust. It’s affecting my cognitive ability, my mood, and my writing ability. Everything feels like I’m swimming in lava. This is, for those of you keeping score at home, the absolute worst time ever to have a tumescent scrotum. Yeah, it’s still a thing. And right now, it’s like walking upright whilst straddling a hoppity hop.
Health and Wellness, July 2023
So, this happened.
It’s called a C-Pap, and it’s designed to combat sleep apnea. That was something I’d never heard of before the age of forty, and then suddenly, it’s all anyone could talk about. I’ve had a problem sleeping for well over a decade. It’s been something I’ve ignored, not addressed, played down, and pretended didn’t exist for far too long. My friends have mentioned my snoring. Family. Spouses. Even the dog gives me side eye. I made the decision, years ago, to finally have a sleep study done, because if a doctor told me I needed help, I’d kinda have to listen to them. That was in late 2017 when I made that call. Yeah.
Fast forward to about four months ago. Janice was quietly insistent that I get a sleep study done, and I thought back on all of the people in my life that have said, “you need to get that looked at,” and I realized I’d once again, intentionally or otherwise, put it off. Long story short-I did the home test, and when the results came back, what do you know? I have Sleep Apnea at the “serious” level.
I’ll skip over the dance of the Insurance claims, whereby they automatically reject out of hand the first filing for a machine, because, clearly, I’m faking it and this is all a money grab. The equipment showed up last week. Now we are a two C-Pap household. Suddenly this was a thing I’d have to address, whether I wanted to, whether I was ready to, or not.
I got outfitted for a breathing mask that covered my nose and mouth, like a standard oxygen mask, like when you go to the dentist and they give you gas. I tried to breathe in, and I could feel the oxygen flowing, but something went off in my brain and I all but had a panic attack trying to get the mask off my mouth. I felt like I was actually drowning in air. And not in a “it takes a little getting used to” kind of way. No, I was flipping out. There was no way I could have that mask on my mouth, much less sleep with it on. Maybe it was the straps. I don’t know. But it really unnerved me in a way I was completely unexpected.
Thankfully, there is another breathing piece that just fits on the nose. I was able to wear it, for a while. Janice told me I’d need to work up to it. In a week’s time, I’ve managed to go from 20 minutes to three hours. It still weirds me out, and also, it’s a bit embarrassing to me. I feel as if I’ve failed at life, like I got so messed up about myself that I can’t even sleep right? What’s that about?
It's really just my own fear. I’m terrified of getting older. I can feel it some days, and it freaks me out. It’s not vanity, not really. I don’t mind looking older, or aging; I just don’t want any of the by-products that come with it, like colonoscopies, and cholesterol panels, and sleep apnea and C-Pap machines. I don’t want any of it, but I understand that’s not my call to make...or is it? Trying to be in as good a shape as you possibly can be in will certainly put off some of those inevitabilities. And losing more weight will potentially offset my need for a C-Pap machine.
I continue to be a work in progress.
Weekly Report from the N.T.A.B. Division of Media Review
Dave Stevens: Drawn to Perfection (Prime)
The heartbreaking story of the creator of the Rocketeer, Dave Stevens, told by his fellow friends and artists. Stevens was an artist’s artist, one of the most widely regarded and respected of his peers, but his dedication to his craft was both an asset and a crutch. An intimate, behind-the-scenes look at a beloved creator and his meteoric rise.
This documentary came out last year and was crowdfunded in order to make it happen, and I for one am glad that it did. It was really hard to be a comic book reader in the 1980s and not be a Dave Stevens fan (though I know some people tried). His signature creation, The Rocketeer, was a watershed moment for independent comic creators at a time when the market was full of new ideas and innovations. The documentary obliquely says it, but that nothing like what Stevens tried had ever been done before; a hodgepodge of all the stuff he thought was cool, in one comic book. It’s safe to say that without the Rocketeer, we wouldn’t have Hellboy, for starters, or any number of other comics built on the singular vision of the creator.
The documentary doesn’t shy away from Stevens’ near crippling perfectionism and how it enhanced his work but hampered his prospects. The filmmakers also cover Stevens rediscovering Bettie Page (he was the one who re-ignited the interest in her) and even befriending her, and his friends all tell great stories from his all-too-brief time on this Earth (Stevens died of a rare form of Leukemia in 2008). The showcase here is all of the great artwork, including rare sketches and seldom-seen pieces. Highly recommended for any and all comic book fans with a modicum of interest in comics history.
Big Door Prize (Apple TV)
In the quiet little town of Deerfield, where no deer have been seen in years, a weird blue machine shows up in the general store called Morpho, and offers you your life’s potential, for two bucks in quarters, a social security number, and fingerprints. What could possibly go wrong? Well, when people start seeing their results on the little card the machine spits out, they blow up their lives in order to make it happen. Only Dusty, a history teacher played by Chris O’Dowd, is questioning the machine, and what it all means, to the consternation of his family and everyone else.
What an interesting slice of life dramedy. There are a lot of philosophical questions being asked in this show, and while the characters receive two different sets of answers, you may find yourself wrestling with these head scratchers after each episode. How would you have handled it? What do you think it means?
The show doesn’t offer any pat answers, and you may find that frustrating at the end of the show when things aren’t so neatly tied up. But what kept me coming back and digging in deeper was the cast of quirky, likeable, and mostly relatable characters in Deerfield. While some of them are funny, they aren’t in and of themselves parodies, and that distinction is enough to make you root for these people, none moreso than Dusty, who was perfectly fine with himself and his life before the machine showed up. It’s a thinking show, so if you aren’t hooked by the first three episodes, you can bail out safely.
Nimona (Netflix)
A high-tech futuristic society decides to let commoners into their ranks of Knighthood, and the first candidate to earn the honor assassinates the queen in front of everyone on live TV. Framed, on the run, and hunted by his former colleagues (and his former boyfriend), Ballistar Boldheart reluctantly accepts the help of a teenage girl named Nimona who is trying to break bad and be a villain. Their unlikely friendship is put to the test as the fate of the kingdom lies in the balance.
This animated feature is part of their “Representation Matters” line, and I will not presume to debate that wisdom. Yeah, the two knights are gay, okay? They even hold hands and kiss on the mouth during an emotional moment. Other than that, this is a manic, kinetic, and frequently funny action flick, with Nimona stealing nearly every scene, thanks to some inspired, Vintage Warner Bros.-esque animation and crackerjack voice work from Chloe Grace Moretz.
The high-tech feudal knights schtick is older than dirt in every other media except feature film animation, where it feels very fresh and allows the filmmakers to have their cake and eat it, too: they get to have knights and dragons and queens and armor, but the language is completely modern, as is the technology, making the whole story more accessible.
The change isn’t just cosmetic. One of the themes in the movie—and there are a lot of themes—is that legends grow and change like a game of telephone, and you need a span of time to show that happening. You won’t be able to not read a lot of real-world analogies in this movie, but honestly, this movie is like Space Ace meets Wednesday Addams, and that’s what kids are going to remember. Nimona’s animation is character-driven and the designs are fresh but not so out of bounds that we don’t recognize who is who and what is what. If your family doesn’t mind about seven overall seconds of LGBTQ content, give this movie a once-over.
There is a “home test” for Sleep Apnea? If so, I’m sure I’d get a perfect score... umm, imperfect snore...
I'm still getting there with my CPAP. More power to you, brother.