Weekly Briefing from the North Texas Apocalypse Bunker, 3/4/22

Alpha Omega Edition

We at the N.T.A.B. are excited to announce the launch of our digital presence, or “platform,” in the parlance of our times, located conveniently and intuitively at www.northtexasapocalypsebunker.com. While lacking the brevity and charm of the delightful intentional misspelling that is de rigueur for these things, i.e., “NorTxApocBunkr,” we nonetheless feel what it lacks in subtlety, it makes up for in being easy to remember and not at all tricky to suss out.

The administrator in his command center, checking out the swell new website.

Those of you who are subscribing to the weekly update may wish to also subscribe to the embedded blog at the site, as I will be parking some things over there, including some (hopefully) regular features, apart from whatever we’re talking about in this newsletter, which is focused on Inter-departmental scuttlebutt and office politics. Also, I’ve been told that the Department of Media Relations will be strip-mining the former blogs for old posts to update and carry forward onto the new platform.

With the launch of the website comes a reminder about both Substack’s subscription option and Patreon’s subscription option, as these two sites are how you join the Bunker Essential Support Team, or B.E.S.T. The Department of Design and Fabrication is busy as I write this, putting together the Welcome Packs, which will go out in the mail in April. The Roster Page is already getting some attention as subscribers come on and fill out their intake form on Mail Chimp. It's an exciting time to be distracting yourself from horrific events! The N.T.A.B: putting the “racy” back in bureaucracy!  

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Long-Range Field Excursions are Imminent

The Administrator and the Director of Bunker Ops are taking some time for an International Exploratory Sojourn, to Greece. Not the musical. The Mediterranean paradise. Mount Olympus. Home of the Minotaur and the Hydra! Greece!

I’m currently awash in the arduous chores of packing everything so that my basic needs are being met, and also so that all of my traveling gear will fit into an area roughly the size of a Coke can. Also, there is a sophisticated de-contamination process that is required for anyone to get on a plane, touch foreign soil, and re-enter my country of origin. It seems to involve a cunning use of form-fillable PDFs and plastic stir-sticks getting stuck up my nose.

This will be my first vacation in over ten years, and my first trip ever across an ocean. To say that anticipation and excitement are high here at the bunker would be the King Kong of understatements. And despite having a vast amount of knowledge of a wide variety of subjects, my inherent knowledge of Greece is defined (some would say handicapped) by the following three pop culture references:

1. The scene in Good Morning Vietnam when Robin Williams shows up at the base in what looks like a lounge jacket and pajamas and the commanding officer asks him what he’s wearing. Williams quips, “Cretan camouflage; if you want to blend into a bunch of drunken Greeks, there’s nothing better.”

I want a shirt like that. For blending in, of course.

2. A stack of print and other media to draw on, including, but not limited to, Bullfinch’s mythology, the Shazam! and Isis Power Hour from my Saturday Morning Cartoon-watching days, and the films of Ray Harryhausen, particularly Clash of the Titans and Jason and the Argonauts.

They used to have Medusa’s head on display, but all of the tourists kept getting stoned…I’ll see myself out.

3. That place where the Cult of ABBA hangs out and sings all of their songs while everyone gets married. I’m assuming that My Big Fat Greek Wedding was the indoctrination film for these religious fanatics, but whatever.

Look at the brainwashing the ABBA cult has put her through…that rapturous, vacant expression…that poor young woman.

I have been informed by multiple sources that none of the above is terribly accurate, and that I should temper my expectations accordingly. I understand that pop culture and reality are sometimes farther apart than the banks of Snake River Canyon, but I am still really hopeful that I’ll get to see the Kraken while I’m traveling.

You can expect the next report to be filed from the other side of the Atlantic. There will very likely be photos. So many photos. There may well be some updates on the website, too. In fact, I’m calling my shot now. I’ll put my in-progress stuff on the blog, like a caveman, like it’s 2004 all over again, like LiveJournal is still a thing, like how I want to do it. Zuckerberg doesn’t get me. He never will. I contain multitudes. And also, now, a blog of my own.