Weekly Briefing from the North Texas Apocalypse Bunker, 07/26/24
Mark with a Mouth edition
The 4.9 magnitude earthquake that rocked West Texas earlier this week was noted here in the North Texas Apocalypse Bunker by several members of the Administration, including Bunker Ops, who wasted no time throwing up a snarky post on social media about certain promises that were made in order to get her to move to Vernon, such as making the earth move for them. Our official comment from the Admin office was, as follows, and I quote: “Oh, har-dee-har-har.”
Aside from a single piece of bric-a-brac tumbling from a shelf and a dish in the sink settling somewhat loudly, we were otherwise unscathed. The area of West Texas, however, continues to experience earthquakes of a similar intensity. A spokesperson for something was quick to point out that not all earthquakes in Texas are caused by frakking, and also, not all earthquakes in Texas are the result of wastewater injection drilling. Finally, they said, “La la la la la, nothing to see here, Oooh, look, a Jackalope!”
From the Department of Media Relations – Bureau of Publishing
Zines in the House: If you’re one of those people who plays role-playing games around a tabletop with those funny-looking dice, this may be of interest to you. Polite Society #1 is now available from Drive Thru RPG in a convenient PDF format. There will be a total of four issues, all focused on helping GMs create and run heists and capers in your D&D or other similar games.
From the Department of Administration – Agency of Health and Wellness
There’s oral surgery in my future, thanks to one of my wisdom teeth growing sideways into a back molar and both have become impacted and infected enough that they will have to come out. I’m fully expecting to be under for a while and out of commission for a day or two, at least. This update will also include an overdue report in my ongoing series, “Living with T.S.*”
To distract myself from this upcoming ordeal, I’ve been redecorating the theater. Sometimes, this is the best job, ever.
Weekly Report from the N.T.A.B. Division of Media Review
Note: we cannot stress strongly enough to avoid social media sites such as YouTube until as such time as you’ve seen either of the offerings below. The “content creators” online don’t care about your happiness. Our reviews are spoiler-free so that you can make an informed decision without having your intelligence insulted. You’re welcome, America.
Time Bandits (Apple)
The much-beloved cult classic from the 1980s gets an update in this remake from Taika Waititi and Jermaine Clement.
This ambitious remake/do-over (what the hell are we calling these things now, anyway?) also stars Lisa Kudrow, in a role that’s a cross between Phoebee and Michelle from Romy & Michelle’s High School Reunion (1997), and that’s funny enough, but as a stand-in for Randall (played by David Rappaport), it’s not quite the same.
That’s to be expected, of course, because one of the things that made the original Time Bandits (1981) so unique is that it didn’t look like other movies in every way, shape and form. The leads were all little people (and one pale young boy), and they weren’t played for laughs. In fact, in the original movie, most of the time, the time bandits themselves were straight men for the weirdos they encountered.
I’m most disappointed by Jermaine Clement, someone I usually think is hilarious, playing the part of Evil, a thing that David Warner effortlessly embodied, and Clement looks like he's really working to pull off. I think we all know who from the cast of What We Do in the Shadows who would have been a much better fit for the role, don’t we, Matt Berry?
This series adaptation of the movie manages to capture a lot of Terry Gilliam’s visual sensibility in a way I wasn’t expecting. After all, I’ve seen What We Do in the Shadows and Our Flag Means Death, too. It’s pretty obvious that Waititi and Clement are big Monty Python fans from way back, because so much of the humor in the first two episodes is built around Kevin being the smartest one of the bunch, and everyone else being an imbecile.
If you like their other shows, this one slots right in alongside them. If this is your first exposure to these two writing something, my advice is to watch both episodes back-to-back. If you like them and aren’t bothered by the necessary changes made to the story, I’m sure this will deliver. I’m not as enamored by it, as I feel I’ve seen all of these jokes before, but I am certainly going to watch to the middle of the series. For what it’s worth, I liked the second episode better than the first, so that’s encouraging.
Deadpool & Wolverine (in theaters)
Deadpool is recruited by the TVA (from Loki) to repair the multiverse. Or something. It’s got Wolverine in it, too. So, yeah, there’s that.
Look, you don’t need my review for this. You don’t. You already know exactly how to feel about it. If you’re a Ryan Reynolds/Deadpool/X-Men fan under the age of 65, then you know exactly what this movie is about, and you’ve more than likely at least watched the first two Deadpool movies, if not all of the other Marvel Cinematic Universe films. Probably all in theaters. That’s good, because you know deep down that even if the movie falls short of expectations, you’ll still love it. Besides, there’s not a thing I could tell you about the movie that wouldn’t be a spoiler of some kind. Spoiler alert: So far, it’s exceeding expectations.
Instead, I’m going to throw out a little rant. I posted this warning at my theater, alongside the dates and times:
Rated R for strong bloody violence and language throughout, gore and sexual references. I’d tell you not to bring your kids to this but you’re not going to listen to me and you’re do what you want to do anyway, so don’t say I didn’t warn you: despite having X-Men in it, this movie is not for children.
This was also posted online—and not five comments afterward, someone asked if it was okay that they bring their kids, because they “watch all of the same horror movies that I do.” It makes me not want to be nice. I’m not saying that you can’t bring your kids to the R-rated movie, but are they little kids? Like, under 12 and stuff? Maybe…and I’m just brainstorming here, but maybe…other people don’t want to be in the same R-rated movie as a bunch of children. I know, that’s radical. But it seems to me that a reasonable response to wanting your kids to watch the same R-rated movies as you might be to wait until they are available for home viewing so that your kids will gather stories for their future therapist in the privacy of your own home rather than out in public.
I’ve done this for all of the Deadpool movies, with mixed results. I was 100% certain that someone would bring a passel of neighborhood scamps to the movie they all told the clueless adult was about the X-Men, and that clueless adult would remember when the cartoon was on in the 1990s and think, “That’s ridiculous; why would they make an R-rated super hero movie? Super heroes are for kids.” Yeah, they are, but also, no, they aren’t.
One guy in line for the first Deadpool movie—and this was 2 weeks after it was released—had two kids with him; a toddler in his arms and a 5 or 6 year old standing next to him. I approached the dad and told him, gently, that this movie was rated R for all of the reasons why movies are rated R, and he looked surprised, thanked me, and left. The kids, by the way, didn’t seem too concerned about it. But he had the presence of mind to decide to either get a sitter or wait until they graduated from college first.
Emboldened by my success, I tried that gambit with several other single parents during the weekend. They all looked at me like I had chicken noodle soup squirting out of my nose, and steadfastly insisted that the kids wanted to see Deadpool. I never asked any of the parents if they SHOULD see it.
I told you all of that to tell you this: don’t bring your kids to this movie. Maybe a teenager, sure. They’re already broken beyond repair at this point. But save your 8- and 9-year-olds from the excitement of learning new vocabulary words and having to see Wolverine eviscerate people with blood spatter included. I can tell you that some of the filthiest things that are said in the movie aren’t straight-up profanity, but rather a cobbled together descriptive strings of normal words that are repurposed into invective the likes of which would make a sailor blush.
One more funny story: last night, one of the teenage boys we had previously banned from the theater came in to see the movie. We banned him because he and his girlfriend snuck into the girls’ restroom for a little one-on-one time. Even as people were reporting it to my staff, he was texting someone he knew who worked for me and bragged that he was ‘getting lucky.’
Boom, no more movies for you.
Last night, he shows back up, three years later, and after a quick consult with me, my employee informed him that he’s still banned from watching movies here. His reply was just perfect: “No, but see, I’m not even with that girl anymore!”
Don’t mess with the bull, young man. You’ll get the horns.
Anyway, go see Deadpool & Wolverine. I’m going to talk about it in a couple of weeks and it will be spoiler-y in a meta-conversational way. In the meantime, stay away from YouTube until you watch it. The explanation videos are already thick and laden with such ersatz profundity as these empty-headed mouth-breathers valiantly attempt to explain every joke into the ground, rendering them inert and lifeless. This is a much better use of your time: Deadpool The Musical 2!
In the world I (and therefore I expect YOU) grew up in, theatre employees and owners really made close to zero effort to enforce the restrictions of the MPAA ratings system.
I was buying tickets to R-rated movies on my own at 12 and 13 years old. Never got carded, never got stopped. Not once. And I was NOT one of those kids who looked older than I was. Probably the opposite.
I remember going to see George Romero’s Day of Dead (a film that was released without an MPAA rating, but was so violent and gory that no one under 17 admitted) and an entire family- mom and dad and multiple kids under age 10- came in and took seats right in front of me. The kids freaked out, mom got upset and complained to the oblivious dad until they all left, less than 20 mins into the film.
Ticket buyers want these kind of systems in place but don’t especially want to follow them. That put people in your position between a rock and a hard place.
So good on you for at least making the effort.
"...so much of the humor in the first two episodes is built around Kevin being the smartest one of the bunch..."
I mean, I have to watch it now, right?