Weekly Briefing from the North Texas Apocalypse Bunker, 4/29/22
Complete Overshare, Medical Edition
By way of an introduction, the boys in Media Review whipped up this short play that they’d like to share. It’s called, “Hello Uri, My Old Friend.”
Sound FX: Incessant knocking, continues under.
URI: C’mon, man, open up! Let me in!
Mark: (opening door) Just hold on a second, please! (beat) Oh my God.
URI: Surprised to see me, man?
Mark: I’m stunned. Upper Respiratory Infection?! What are you doing here? I haven’t seen you since...
URI: Austin, man! It’s been, like, fifteen years or something!
Mark: What are you doing here, URI?
URI: I missed you, man! I missed us! Hanging out for days at a time. You remember?
Mark: How can I forget? And how did you get this far north?
URI: Blown in on the winds, man! You know me. I go where I want.
Mark: Yeah, but you don’t end up here.
URI: Well, now I do, I guess.
Mark: Look, it’s really not a good time right now. I’ve got a lot on my plate, and...
URI: Man, I don’t care about that! You know me! I never have. In fact, the busier you are, the better I like it.
Mark: I haven’t missed you, you know. Not one little bit. You suck.
URI: Sticks and Stones, Amigo. Sticks and Stones.
And scene.
They were really pleased with themselves. I’m trying to be supportive and encouraging without putting a damper on their creative spirit.
Countdown to Surgery: T-Minus Seven Days
I’ve had several conversations, answering identical questions, about my medical history, this week. I don’t remember this many people talking to me about the first time I had this done. I realize that the word panniculectomy doesn’t bring anything to mind for probably ninety percent of the population, even amongst you learned folks.
Since it’s been a while since I’ve medically overshared, and with Star Wars day fast approaching, I thought I’d show you more or less exactly what they are going to remove. Keep in mind this is the second one of these I’ve had done. The first one was in the lower abdominal cavity, over the groin. I don’t have pictures of that, and you will be very grateful, I am sure.
If anyone wants to skip out on the half-nekkid pictures of Your Favorite Apocalypse Commentator, now is a great time to whiz-scroll to the bottom of the post. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
As a buffer, we’re going to put pictures of me fully clothed up first.
There’s a reason why I’ve been wearing these ridiculously baggy clothes for so long. It’s this, right here. In clothes, I still look overweight because of my shape. Okay, here we go. Panniculitis in...
...FIVE
...FOUR
...THREE
...TWO
...ONE
...And we are go for panniculitis. I repeat, we are go for panniculitis.
Do you see those two unevenly-sized pockets at the bottom of my pannus? That’s the infected fat cells that have hardened into a cartilaginous (press on the tip of your nose) mass. It’s heavy, and it’s pulling my abdominal skin down. This will not retract on its own. There is no “tightening up” like with arms or thighs. No, this has to be removed. It’s also infected, so, yuck.
You can see from the side view that most of that skin from the waist to just under the ribs will be removed and then sewn back together. The process will take 3 to 4 hours. There’s a small umbilical hernia they are going to repair, you know, as long as they’ve got me pac-manned open on the table. And because they are removing so much skin, there will be some reshaping and contouring as well. I am excited to have a lap again. Also, once the wrappings come off, I will take great pleasure in standing up to relieve myself.
You will be pleased to note I won’t be taking pictures of that. I thought about it, though. A lot.
In Other News…
There’s not much to report. Janice and I are in the process of setting up shop for the surgery, and the recovery period after. See, I won’t be able to do some stuff, like cook over a stove (not with the drains), so I am temporarily abdicating my responsibilities to her. This is a good thing, since she will need some stuff to do so she doesn’t make herself sick worrying about me. This will be a temporary measure, of course. Doc keeps saying he expects my recovery time to be 7 to 10 days. I hope he’s right. Last time it took months, and put me in the hospital. I didn’t get right until four and a half months after surgery last time. Granted, my body was in way worse shape then. I’m much healthier now, with 100 pounds less on me. I’m mentally planning on two weeks’ recovery time. I hope I’m wrong and it’s much shorter. I guess I am a little worried, too.
All is not gloom and doom. My mustache game? It’s on point these days.
It’s a small victory, but it makes me really happy, so I’ll take it.
Here’s to a fast/full convalescence! And not to make light of any of this, but I had to laugh at the “pac manned” description.
P.S. 11/10 on the mustache.
Hey, congratulations on the impending increase in freedom and mobility! I think it's sensible that you're mentally allocating a little extra recovery time; abdominal surgery is what it is, but I very much hope that it's on the lowest end of the time period they're projecting. You are so much fitter now, and I think it can help when it's not your first rodeo - you have that bit more confidence about moving around afterwards, there isn't quite the same unknown factor (though, as I know well, there's also the anticipation of the known). I hope you have a great pile of books and TV planned for the rest parts, but let me know if you're in need of any recs because we have demolished a huge quantity of television lately!