This weekly briefing is being delivered as your intrepid Bunker Administrator has started the trek West and South for a much-needed visit to the Fused-Glass Deserts of West Texas to see how the staff of Apocalypse Watch Outpost Alpha are holding up. That I will be driving into a fog of fresh-baked kolaches and other Christmas treats is pure happenstance, and also a test of my enduring courage under pressure, as I have been assured that none of the baked goods were assembled using cauliflower or broccoli.
There will also be a reunion with the Bunker Mascot, having been away on a special recuperative assignment with the Director of Bunker Ops. Our staff meeting will be brief, but necessary, as we transition into 2022 and make plans to consolidate the Central Texas Field Office with the North Texas Apocalypse Bunker. As you can imagine, the logistics alone have been needlessly complicated.
I’d like to take this opportunity to wish all of the other Apocalypse Bunkers in East, West, Central, and South Texas, and all of our affiliates, field offices, and outposts, a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. A special thanks goes out to the boys at Substation 88, working in Gorilla Suit Maintenance. They are doing a bang-up job under extreme duress and we could not be prouder of them.
Pre-Solstice Statistics, Final Numbers
Everyone here at the bunker has been working overtime and you can see the results in the final tallies below:
Number of Presents Bought: 24
Number of Presents Wrapped: 24
Number of hours spent listing to Christmas Music: 37
Number of minutes spent singing Christmas Music: 496
Number of Christmas Movies watched: 12
Percentage of Humbuggery Indulged: 9%
Current Level of Christmas Spirit: 78%
If I can offer one minor criticism, I had really hoped for an 80% or better in Christmas Spirit, but you know what they say; there’s always next year.
Post-Christmas Return Gift Recommendations
From the Department of Trade and Commerce comes this handy little shopping guide for those of you returning ties and sweaters and finding your paypal accounts suddenly bursting with filthy lucre to spread around.
You may well say that this list is really just a Christmas Gift Guide but it wasn’t finished in time so it’s being tarted up as a Boxing Day sort of affair at the Bunker to save face. You may well say it, but that would be extremely rude of you, and gauche, to boot. You’re better than that. Oh, by the way, the titles below are live links, in case you want to click right to the goods.
All of the Marvels: A Journey to the Ends of the Biggest Story Ever Told by Douglas Wolk
Who doesn’t like compelling reads about excessive personalities? That’s right, no one. This guy read every single Marvel comic from 1961 forward, and then he contextualized them historically, culturally, as a narrative, and it’s insane. But it’s also fascinating. If you like shared world stories or if you think comics bring more to the table than just X-Men cups at Pizza Hut, this book is a must-have.
For something a little more upscale, these guys are operating a whisky distillery (in WACO, folks) and they have a lot of small batch and limited edition whiskies and bourbons. Their most recent is Tres Hombres, which they made with Billy Gibbons. Whisky makers. IN WACO, y’all. And no one is trying to run them out of town! Man, now I believe that anything is possible.
My favorite Artisanal Craft Dice maker, by a large margin. Craig has several unique designs and all of his handiwork is top notch. I own several of his dice bags and they are super sweet. Also, this is the second year I got an advent calendar from him. Check this out:
I keep thinking y’all don’t want to hear about this, but folks keep asking what I’m doing when they see me, head down, coloring in little boxes, looking for all the world like a crazy person, and they always want to know more about it. Bullet Journaling is a grass roots, crowd funded way of organizing your life into a single book that serves as your daily meditation journal, your planner, your brainstorm book, and whatever else you need to quiet the various rabbits and squirrels that run constantly spinning wheels in your brain. The official book is quite useful for getting the idea across, written by the guy who originally came up with the hack. He’s very interesting. And of course, there is no end to “journaling supplies” out there. If you’re starting a new habit, this would be a good one to pick up for 2022. I’ve been doing it for three years now, and it’s completely changed how I go through my day.
I love these guys, and I use their stuff more or less exclusively. They sell big ass bricks of soap and shampoo pucks and a bunch of other stuff. They make their stuff with beer and bourbon. And they donate to veterans. It’s a masculine product with a masculine scent. If you’re wanting to level up from Old Spice, this is where you go to next. I’ve had to quit badmouthing Busch beer and Budweiser because, as it turns out, that stuff makes excellent beard oil and soap.
Another one-man operation, Jacob takes old library books that were headed for the dumpster and gives them another purpose; he makes them into one-of-a-kind journals. He saves the covers and a few interior pages, and fills in the rest with nice paper and binds it all together with a spiral. No two copies are alike! There are a lot of different styles to choose from, and you can even send in your own old, weird book for conversion. It’s perhaps the greatest way to repurpose a book I’ve ever seen. I’ve given several as gifts this year. Cheaper, more sustainable, and about fifty-seven times cooler than a Moleskine.
Two Marvel books on one list? Obsessed much? Well, yeah, kinda, when it’s vintage Silver Age era stuff that interests me greatly, you betcha. There was a time when Marvel made it into the Guinness Book of World Records for the world’s smallest comic books—sold in gum ball machines, no less. These little artifacts are rare in the real world for their obvious fragility, but no more! They’ve been reprinted, all, in a size more conducive to handling and reading, along with some history behind the project.
My good friend Brad has been creating and uploading one design each day for this whole year and he’s got an impressive and diverse array of shirts that you can check out. There’s a lot of geek stuff buried in there, too. He’s got keyword searches so you can pull up gaming or pride or whatever you might want to check out. His “And Another Thing…” shirts are particularly cool. See if you can guess which ones I have!
In Other News...
The sturm and drang of “No Spoilers!” followed by everyone I know going, “Well, someone online spoiled it for me,” has got to stop. Because it’s not working, is it? No matter how much you scream and cry, and throw up “No Spoilers!” like Paul Atreides to create a shield using only your voice, inevitably, at 4:27 AM, I see the post, “Well, some jackhole just spoiled Spider-Man: No Way Home for me. Thanks, Internet. Why are people such dicks?”
I think the better question, is, respectfully, “how long have you been on the Internet?” I own a movie theater and I don’t watch trailers more than once, and sometimes, not at all. I don’t trust Hollywood to cut something together that doesn’t give a plot point or a story reveal away, and neither should you. Even Marvel trailers, which are known for putting footage in that is different from the final cut of the film, still manages to give away some things I’d rather have discovered on my own. I don’t trust them. Why do you?
And people? The Internet? Bwah-ha-ha-ha! No, really, seriously, what are you thinking? We all know that it’s possible to build a group, curate some lists, and subscribe to blogs (or substack newsletters...) that you trust. That you know won’t mess up some things. That won’t steer you wrong. Your virtual ravens that bring you news and tidbits are yours to create, and clickbait, gossip sites and people who routinely yammer about things you’d rather not see simply don’t make the list. I mean, what’s the point of having a bubble if it’s not full of the air you’d prefer to breathe?
But what about those folks you love to engage with, but who sometimes discuss things you’d rather not talk about, not until you’ve seen something?
I have a friend on Facebook, Larry Young. He’s an indy comics guy, best known for the exceptional Astronauts in Trouble. Larry is open and loves to engage with his peeps. I love hashing stuff out with him; we agree on stuff about 90% of the time, and that’s rare enough to be considered a gift.
But Larry also likes to talk about the thing he just watched. A lot of the time, I’m right there with him, but sometimes, he gets ahead of me. I see everything he posts, and that includes the stuff I don’t want to hear his brilliant insights on because I’ve not watched it yet. As soon as I see the thing he’s about to talk about, I stop reading and hit the scroll button.
Larry is a conversational writer, like me, but I have zero trouble stopping in mid-sentence and zipping to the next thing on Facebook. I don’t think this is a big deal. It’s not a major ask. Larry doesn’t write bumper stickers on Twitter, so I’ve always got plenty of room to get out of the post and not read something I’d rather wait on.
Anyway, Larry found this great quote that I’d like to share, as it cuts right through to the middle of it all:
“Etiquette expert Lizzie Post of the Emily Post Institute sees no value in people “posting a million times, ‘Don’t spoil anything for me, don’t spoil anything for me.’” Walk away from Facebook, shut down Twitter if you have to, she said.“If you’re not living in the current season you have no claim. It’s fine if you have a friend who’s really into it and you want to say, ‘Don’t spoil it for me.’ But you can’t ask the world around you to completely bend.”
I completely agree with this, and moreover, would rather abide by this. Maybe it’s a generational thing, I don’t know, but I don’t think I get to dictate what people talk about on their walls, and vice versa.
I take pride in being able to talk about a movie or TV show without giving away plot twists and reveals that are clearly meant to be experienced on viewing. I’ve had those kinds of secrets blown for me in the past, and it robbed me of the tension and anticipation of finding it out for myself. Best example I can give you: When 2010 came out, 30ish years ago, me and my fellow SF Nerds were talking about when we’d go see it. We’d watched 2001: A Space Odyssey in anticipation of this group outing. Our friend Scotty was strolling by and heard all of this. “Y’all talking about 2010?” he asked.
We said yes. Scotty said, “Don’t bother. It’s stupid. Saturn turns into a new sun.” He walked off.
We just looked at each other in stunned silence. Of course, we went anyway, because back then, if you got two science fiction movies in a year, you felt like the pretty girl at the dance. I don’t know when you last watched 2010, but the entire movie is about the suspense of “Something Wonderful” happening, and big reveal at the end is...yeah. He’d not just spoiled it for us, he’d ruined it. He took the engine upon which the movie ran and dismantled it. That, my friends, is a spoiler.
To quote Tyler Durden, “You decide your level of involvement.” If you don’t want to know anything past the release date, then the onus is on you to filter and screen yourself from catching a glimpse of something. Scrolling through Facebook is like walking through a crowded party. When you scroll, you’re going to catch pieces and parts of things you’d rather not see/hear. Might be a conversation about someone’s goiter. It could be someone pitching bored people about boner pills. Or it could be some dipshit upset because Saturn became another sun. That’s the chance you taken when you attend that party.
One Final Note: Typing a post that says, “I Have Not Seen the new Spider-Man yet, so please, No Spoilers” is the digital equivalent of waving a big red cape in front of a giant, sarcastic (and usually very unfunny) bull. If you’re like me, and your friends list is full of smartasses, you might as well just type “Hey, please post your most tired and overused cliché about insane plot points that don’t actually happen in the movie.”
All that being said...down below, I’m going to talk about Hawkeye and Spider-Man. Know thyself.
Weekly Report from the N.T.A.B. Division of Media Review
8-Bit Christmas (HBO)
I’ve been perhaps overly-critical of Christmas movies this year, but this one may have saved the day. Please bear with me. First, though, I have to rip this movie a new one.
There’s a thing in screenwriting called the Log Line. Not sure why it’s called that, but in fiction, it’s known as the Pitch. Because a lot of people in the entertainment industry are simpletons who don’t read, the pitch is usually framed in the most elemental, most basic, and most obviously and universally referenced way so as to not confuse the bored, twenty-something millionaire that is looking for a reason not to greenlight your project. Thus, most loglines and pitches are presented as “It’s X meets Y.” If the movie or book is really complicated, the pitch often goes, “It’s X meets Y with a touch of Z.”
I’ve never been more certain in my entire life that the premise was pitched to someone as, “It’s A Christmas Story, only with a Nintendo, told in the narrative framing of The Princess Bride, featuring the rag-tag group of misfits from The Goonies!”
I know this is how stories are made, but as a professional storyteller, I am more sensitive than others about being able to see the seams where the pieces were welded. Or in this case, where they stitched it all together the way you would a medical cadaver. They made zero effort to hide their influences. Weirdly, this turns out to be a good thing.
The beats are all familiar, nay, overly-familiar. Nearly lifted. They tried to cover it up with a patina of 1980s nostalgia (pretty decently researched, for what it’s worth), but it would be impossible to not see what they were doing. In this case, however, it kept me watching out of a sense of morbid curiosity, and in doing so, kinda won me over.
I told you all of that to tell you this: don’t get hung up, as I did, on the plot structure, because if you do, you’ll miss a lot of genuinely funny bits, most of them nostalgic in nature, but not all. This is one of the few 80s-era things I’ve seen that isn’t trying too hard to prove itself, and as a result, the comedy engenders some earnest chuckles, if not outright guffaws. As it turns out, there’s juuuuuuust enough 80s spackle to cover up for the borrowed plot elements of the overall homage. Combined with the original story elements and the performances of the kids, the movie comes into its own once the premise is set. I will re-watch it in a more forgiving frame of mind, now that I know what they were going for.
Fair warning: I thought I saw the ending coming a mile away, but I did not. In fact, the ending is the best part of the movie, even if it takes a very bittersweet turn. And the message of 8-Bit Christmas is, well, yeah, it’s pretty good. Maybe moreso in this climate and time and place than ever before. I got emotional about it. You probably will, too. This one goes into the annual Christmas rotation.
South Park: Post COVID and Post-Post COVID (Paramount +)
If you’re someone that doesn’t like South Park, feel free to skip this entry completely. Nothing I say is going to reverse whatever decision you may or may not have made years ago. I’m posting this for no other reason than to let lapsed South Park fans know there is a big, two-part special on a platform they probably don’t have and if they are thirsty for more South Park, this is a deep drink of cool, clear water straight from Tegridy Farms.
The last few South Park projects have been larger and longer in scope, and this two-parter is no different. Using the framing sequence from IT, wherein we are years in the future and all of the kids are grown-up adults, is something I’ve not seen in them before. As such, it gives the guys plenty of chances to throw shade on the here and now in that way that they love to do.
The larger story involves the death of Kenny (yeah, I know) and the sudden and mysterious nature of it is what brings the boys—I mean, the men, back together, back to the sleepy creepy South Park where they all grew up. I’m going to save you some mental gymnastics that I inadvertently did, because that’s where the IT riff ends. There is no murder clown.
But there is a conspiracy, a cover-up, and all sorts of fallings-out for them to juggle. The story is told in non-linear pieces as we jump back and forth in time to explain why the adults are the way that they are. One of the things the two-parter returns to again and again is that the adults we become is not the kids we were. Many of the series regulars end up in a very different place, and that creates additional discord, too, on top of everything else.
Like most episodes of South Park, the ending is the place where they are out of jokes and need to wrap everything up. It’s less abrupt than the thirty-minute shows and it allows them to belabor the point a bit, but the journey in this case is worth the other shoe finally dropping, a shoe you see coming a mile away.
Hawkeye (Disney plus)
For those of you not pay too close attention, Hawkeye is one of the original Avengers characters that has quietly had his own interesting story going on amidst all of the Civil War drama and Ultron Drama and Thanos drama. His MCU version is an ex-secret agent (or maybe he was a straight-up trigger man) who is now on the S.H.I.E.L.D. side of things, trying to balance out all of the bad, shadowy stuff he did with some of that good old-fashioned Greater Good mojo.
Only trouble is, Hawkeye seems destined punch above his weight class. Loki mind-controls him and forces him to do some fairy heinous stuff. He’s stuck with the Maximov twins in Sokovia, and saves Wanda as much as he dooms Pietro. He comes out of retirement to help Cap in Civil War and gets thrown in super hero jail for it. Under house arrest, his whole family blows away in the snap. And speaking of snap, he goes on a classic “Revert to Ninja/Bloody Trail of Vengeance” vendetta on every single crime lord who didn’t get erased by Thanos, his reasoning being, “my whole family is gone, but you survived? Imma fix that right now.”
Finally, after all is said and done, and his family blips back, Clint Barton is able to retire and enjoy his family. And at the beginning of Hawkeye, he’s in New York City during the week of Christmas, doing family-stuff like Christmas shopping, seeing the tree in Times Square, and taking in the latest Broadway hit, ROGERS, a musical about the forming of the Avengers during the Chitauri Invasion. But Hawkeye’s storied past is about to crash into family time and ricochet around doing collateral damage until he puts the last of his old business to bed, once and for all.
This six-episode series is inarguably one of the best things Marvel put out this year, and that’s really saying something. There is no wasted space, here. Episodes aren’t padded out, and every one contains a great mix of action, character development, and plot advancement. Also, the humor is natural and rooted in the characters.
The story borrows some elements from Matt Fraction’s much lauded Hawkeye series, but it’s the MCU version of things. Our Hawkeye isn’t quite the screw-up that comic book Clint is, but the other pieces and parts slot together just fine, especially the Track Suit Mafia and the introduction of Kate Bishop, who will presumably at some later date take on the mantle of Hawkeye in phase 5 or whatever they end up doing. I can’t even begin to guess.
The show just works. It stays in its lane and serves as a real showcase for Barton, a guy, as it turns out, we know an awful lot about, but don’t really get to know. This series is the fix for that. It’s a pleasant surprise to see Hawkeye (one of my favorite Marvel characters) be the most competent character in the room, in a very cool way. He is, after all, a former S.H.I.E.L.D. agent, you know? He can do some shit, and without thunder gods and living legends to soak up all of the oxygen in the room, what Hawkeye can do is pretty awesome.
There are the expected surprises; characters that appear, other stories teased, and so forth. It wouldn’t be a MCU project if they weren’t planting every episode with plot seeds to eventually take root. No other production company I know of uses Chekov’s Gun as a means of downstream story advancement, but they have become masters at setting up things that will pay off years later. Your only real buy in is that you have to have seen Black Widow for this story to fully resonate. Otherwise, you can add Hawkeye to your annual Christmas movie binge with no problem whatsoever.
Spider-Man: No Way Home (in theaters)
Ever since the first X-Men movie, more than twenty years ago, no other single Marvel character on the big screen has given me the manly lip quivers like Spider-Man. The ending of the first Sam Raimi film. Spider-Man’s heroic effort stopping the runaway subway in Spider-Man 2. The death of Gwen Stacy in Amazing Spider-Man 2. The debris-lift in Spider-Man: Homecoming. Peter’s death in Avengers: Endgame. Spider-Man is the superhero my younger self most empathized with; both comedic and tragic in turn, always outmatched by life, but never giving up on his great responsibility.
Spider-Man: No Way Home, the tenth overall if you count the animated Into the Spideverse, plays like a celebration of the character’s two-decade long success on the big screen. You could easily have titled the movie, “Spider-Man’s Greatest Hits” and it would also have worked out nicely.
The movie picks up right after the end of Far From Home, where Mysterio has blabbed Spider-Man’s secret identity to the world in a final Up Yours gesture to Peter. We get to see the fallout from that, including the police investigation of Mysterio’s death, all under the scrutiny of global media, helicopters, and a constant crush of people around Peter, Nate, and MJ. In desperation, Peter seeks out his spiritual brother, Dr. Strange (they were both created by Steve Ditko), now in the father figure role that Tony Stark used to occupy, and asks him to do some magic to undo what has been done.
It does not go as planned, as you can well imagine if you’ve seen the trailers, looked at the movie poster, or spent more than twelve seconds on Twitter or combing through the clickbait news sites that live for rampant speculation they can tart up as an insider exclusive. In fact, it goes spectacularly wrong, and Dr. Strange has to set Spidey up with some sorcery to undo the damage.
This Marvel Team-Up format they stumbled upon for these last three movies has been nothing short of brilliant. That was my favorite Spider-Man comic for a while, because it gave Spider-Man some one to talk to, to interact with, and to play off of. The movies all do that with great success, and this movie? It’s the equivalent of a Marvel Team-Up Giant Size Annual, with 64 pages instead of 32, and a cavalcade of guest-stars in the Mighty Marvel Manner.
A lot happens in this movie, generating wide emotional swings, from snot-bubble sobs to laughs of pure delight at the novelty of what you’re seeing. A number of scenes are little more than characters standing around talking to each other, but they are among the best scenes in the movie. Every guest star in the all-star line up makes the most of their screen time and there’s never a sense that anyone was wasted. And for what it’s worth, the trailers didn’t give everything away. If you haven’t caught any spoilage online, just black your feed out until you can watch it for yourself.
Spider-Man: No Way Home ends with a new beginning. Peter will start the next trilogy (or make his next appearance) in college. There are new stories to tell there, and new challenges. He’s no longer “just a kid.” He’s seen some stuff. He’s got some miles on his soul, to borrow a beautiful turn of phrase from the erstwhile Mr. Stark. He has to start all over again. After the events that we just witnessed, over two hours of tragedy, triumph, and tragedy again, we’re not certain of anything, except that somehow, some way, Peter’s going to be all right.
This is a movie they couldn’t have done even ten years ago. Narratively, it would have been monstrous and confusing. Post-Endgame, it’s merely a prelude for what’s coming down the pipe at us in Phase 4. I’m still a little too emotionally raw to call this my favorite Spider-Man movie, but it will eventually take that place of honor. If you were ever a Spider-Man fan, you must see this on the big screen.
I'm looking forward to seeing this when they eventually put it up on Disney Plus! The latest round of Spider-Man movies were a great surprise for me - I'd seen the first Amazing... at the cinema, but when Homecoming came out I was a wee bit cynical, meaning I had low expectations which were delightfully confounded. Now my favourite sub-series of the MCU.
I think part of what works so well about them is that by the time the first one came out, we'd really been very deep in the perspectives of adults with, on the whole, a lot of power and agency: scientists, super-soldiers, secret agents. The impact, therefore, of a series that goes, "Okay, but imagine being in that world as someone who still basically has to go where they're put and has their full complement of hope and dread and innocence intact?" is really something.