Weekly Briefing from the North Texas Apocalypse Bunker, 9/11/23
Singular Legs and Posterior-Kicking Competitions Edition
We would like to offer a formal and unconditional apology for our absence these past few weeks; a combination of personal health events and the need to strictly schedule the remaining months of the year, along with pressing deadlines, simply took precedence, and we hope our lack of a structured communique didn’t alarm any of you.
The upside to all of the above is that we have, indeed, mapped out in gruesome and granular detail how the next four months will progress, provided nothing untoward conspires to derail our intricate itinerary.
Looking over the calendar, I’m not inclined to list every nook and cranny, but if I may summarize, the following general guidelines and concerns will be addressed:
1. An increase in localized social activity, including but not limited to, meeting people for a drink and talking about things that have nothing to do with movie theaters and high school football.
2. An increase in joining in with local, annual, and national festivities, such as Talk Like a Pirate Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Canadian Boxing Day. (Fun fact: it does not involve tape and 12 oz. gloves, and no one is actually punched in the head.) Also, other events will be noted and marked, such as the Autumnal Equinox, the Winter Solstice, and KrampusNacht.
3. A noteworthy uptick in my writing, including posting to the blog at northtexasapocalypsebunker.com. The now-traditional posting of Top 5 Horror Movie Lists will commence, and will include new lists as well as rewritten and updated old lists. My intention to publish them as a book remains a back burner project.
4. Merchandise will be uploaded to at least one of the many fine print-on-demand business models that allow for a wide swath of interesting tee shirts, coffee mugs, and the like to proliferate—and this will be just in time for Christmas, so be sure to keep them in mind for White Elephant Gift Exchanges, Secret Santa Programs, and those hard-to-buy-for people in your life.
5. Those of you who are local to the Vernon Plaza Theater may note an uptick in special events in the form of repertory films, themed evening events, and tie-ins with the local community event board, who have something happening every weekend in October.
My thanks to Bunker Ops for their help in straightening out all of my scheduling conflicts, which have become untenable and confusing. Bullet Journaling will re-commence starting in October and is expected to continue into 2024 and beyond.
Health and Wellness Update, September 2023
The indignity of discovering that I’ve got moderate arthritis in my right shoulder has been mitigated more than somewhat. I went in for a physical therapy evaluation and, upon running a number of range of motion tests, it was determined that my pain was not, in fact, some sort of arthritis (who, in my mind, look exactly like the Cavity Creeps from the old Crest ads, but some sort of inflammation around my rotator cuff.
So, HA! Take that, old age!
“Now,” she said, “it doesn’t mean that you don’t have arthritis...you probably do. And it may be a factor in what’s causing you pain, but it’s not the only factor.”
You know what? I don’t care. I’m calling it a win.
I start physical therapy on Wednesday, along with the strongest dosage (I’ve worked up to it) of Rybelsis, which is the pill version of that Ozempic shot that all of the actors in Hollywood swear they aren’t on.
For those of you who don’t know, it started out as a diabetic medicine, a way to regulate some of the things that cause Type 2 diabetes (and before you ask, no, I’m not). It’s now being prescribed more widely to manage weight—with very limited results, unless you do the other things you need to do, like (wait for it) diet and exercise.
What it mostly does is control portion and frequency. The pill does something to the stomach lining that slows the absorption of food eaten—it takes longer to break down and digest. This means it’s hanging out in your system longer, which makes you feel more full, which means you eat much less.
Side effects include nausea, vomiting, acid reflux, lasers shooting out of your eyes, and developing the Innsmouth Taint. Discontinue if you suddenly wish to commune with Father Dagon and Mother Hydra in the briny deeps of the Atlantic Ocean. Ask your doctor if this damn thing is right for you. It’s probably not.
Thankfully, I’m not getting nausea. Bunker Ops was not so fortunate. She’s had trouble with it, and her vomiting has caused me undue stress, because there’s nothing much you can do for a person who is throwing up, really, except hand them a damp cloth.
I’m taking the damn pill because I have suspended my Ideal Protein protocols. That system is effective, but it’s incredibly stringent. If you’re doing that, you’re not doing much else. It’s very focused on what you eat and when, and you’re on a rigid schedule to do your appointed thing every day, without fail, don’t skip. It involves (as you all know by now) cooking a shit-ton of vegetables. That’s not something you can really do when you are traveling or otherwise working on something else, or in another place.
It's not gone for good. I expect to get back to it when I’m less busy and stressed, but this time of year is a three-month slog to January 1st. I’m not going to try to stay on it when I’m running amok.
Thus, the pill. It’s working, and that’s both a good thing and a bad thing. Feel free to skip this next part if you’re squeamish.
An Open Conversation About my Poop
For all of my adult life, I’ve always been, um, regular. My, um, eliminations, so to speak, have never really been a problem for me. I load the gun, I shoot the gun, , lather, rinse, repeat.
Now I’m on this pill that slows down my process. Dramatically. After two months on it, I am only “sitting down to commune with my elders” once a day. But oh, how that once a day has become an event...
I’ve clogged three public toilets in the past two months. Not with paper. Nope. Au Natural, mon frere. Years ago I learned, from a guy who’d been to prison that in the slammer, they had to share a toilet, and sometimes, there’s a period of reflection that takes place, which we all understand. But when sharing that space with another person, they don’t want to smell it whilst you ponder the choices you made that brought you to that particular place and time.
When something like that would happen, the directive was to “put some water on that.” Meaning, flush now, wipe later. I like it. And I use it whenever I’m in a public space, and/or something punishing has come out of me, like when you eat a sheet pan of roasted cauliflower and broccoli for dinner, say.
I told you that to tell you this: when I tell you I clogged three public toilets, I mean, I put some water on it, and still had to swab the deck, standing bow-legged in the stall, my pants around my ankles, plunging for my life, and hoping I don’t sink the Bismark.
Every time I elimin—oh, the hell with it—every time I take a dump, it’s like Wild Kingdom in the bathroom. I swear to you, the first time I went after being on the pill for three days, I shit a tiger shark. It broke the surface of the water in three places, my hand to God. I suddenly have several new theories about the Loch Ness Monster, I tell you what. My poor home toilet is like a remake of Lake Placid.
It is working? I don’t know. I mean, yeah, it’s quote-unquote working, but to what point and purpose remains to be seen. The Diet has been, well, not great, but I can’t eat a lot of anything, so how bad can four bites of mac and cheese be, really. As for Exercise? Yeah, no. It’s 115 degrees on average in North Texas, and has been so for five months now. Movement has been scarce. Once the weather drops back down into the 80s, we’re resuming our walking. That should be a pleasant couple of weeks.
Super excited about the upcoming events!!!
Shitting a tiger shark? I’m dead. My ghost is also dead. 😂
Um, death battles with the toilet aside, it’s great to see you back. And while I don’t know if taking biblical dumps is a fair trade for (maybe) no arthritis, I’m glad your shoulder is feeling better. Definitely take the win there.