Weekly Briefing from the North Texas Apocalypse Bunker, 12/18/21

Ring Ting Tinglin’ Edition

This weekly briefing is late getting out due to another sudden and debilitating bladder infection that came on quickly and was quite scary and painful. Your bunker administrator is on the mend, thanks to the judicious application of antibiotics. But in the famous words of one of our greatest philosophers, “this aggression can not stand, man.” To wit, I’m scheduled for a CT scan in the near future to see if maybe there’s stones or something else going on that is bringing about this now chronic condition.

I am now rather worried about my once and future U.T.I. and why it keeps returning to me like a plague-ridden boomerang. I’ve never had these kind of plumbing issues before, not even when I was lugging around a bunch of extra weight. It’s not my diet, that’s for sure. Regardless, I am taking it seriously. My junk has been through quite enough these past few years.

In the meantime, I’m typing this report in a kind of haze, so please disregard any non-sequiturs that you may run across in this update.

Pre-Solstice Statistics, Amended

We are pleased to announce that the Yuletide statistics are back on track. In the past seven days, the following changes have been noted:

Number of Presents Bought: 20

Number of Presents Wrapped: 9

Number of hours spent listing to Christmas Music: 18

Number of minutes spent singing Christmas Music: 240

Number of Christmas Movies watched: 7

Percentage of Humbuggery Indulged: 15%

Current Level of Christmas Spirit: 64%

This uptick finds us hopeful that we can get to our usual year-end numbers, provided that the bladder decides to cooperate with us in the weeks that follow.  

K9 Division Reports Modest Successes

The bunker mascot is getting a little physical therapy, practicing stair climbing at a dog park. So far, it’s been successful, and she is quick to stop when her back legs begin trembling. But they seem to be getting stronger, and her agility is showing signs of recovery.

The bunker isn’t the same without her, and I keep looking for her when I walk into different rooms, my eyes falling by habit on her favorite spots to lay down. There is also no one to greet me at the door when I come home. But she is happy, and she is getting excellent care and lots of attention, which eases my mind greatly.

In Other News...

I found an old notebook the other day. It’s from twenty years ago, and covers a really specific time of my life, when Clockwork Storybook was first putting books together, and Cathy and I had just started dating. It’s a funny little time capsule, full of story ideas that went nowhere, comic script breakdowns, notes to myself to mail or fax things, lists of names and nonsense words, and some rough notes for articles. There are write-ups for concerts I attended, conventions I was a guest at, and funny observations that I tried to massage into something bigger. It’s interesting to see that my creative process has changed very little over the years, and in fact, the only thing that didn’t make the notebook a bullet journal was the lack of structure.

Weekly Report from the N.T.A.B. Division of Media Review

‘Twas the Fight Before Christmas (Apple)

This documentary is one of those “scream at the TV” shows where everyone in it needs to have their heads knocked together. The incident made national news when a man in Idaho was told by his HOA in his quiet little neighborhood that he could not put on his “Christmas Program,” an over-the-top, ostentatious display involving a Griswoldian amount of Christmas lights, a cotton candy machine, popcorn, hot chocolate, a choir singing carols, an actual camel, and of course, a Santa Claus for picture taking. I’m sure I’m leaving some stuff out, but you get the idea.

This guy, Jeremy Morris, is also a lawyer, and he makes it very clear to everyone he meets that he’s going to do this thing, and if they get in his way, he’s going to make legal trouble for them. Understand this: he sought out the neighborhood with the intention of finding a bigger place to throw his little shindig together, which attracted thousands upon thousands in years prior.

I’ve never seen Christmas weaponized in such a blunt and brutal fashion. Whatever marginal sympathy you have for Morris will quickly evaporate when you see how this God-fearing man of faith, who just wants to spread holiday joy to everyone (except, maybe, his neighbors), steamrollers over everyone he talks to about the plans he has.

This guy would rather be right than be liked. He admits the legal proceedings have taken a toll on his marriage, but he’s dug in too far at this point to ever concede. And yet, the whole time I was watching this shit-show unfold, I was yelling at the TV every solution that popped into my head. There were probably a dozen or more easy fixes that would have made everyone happy. For example, for the amount of money he spent on lawsuits, he could have bought a vacant lot somewhere and built a “Christmas Village” inside of it, that he populates every year, using all of the stuff he’s collected over the years. Boom. Done. The futility of the situation aside, it’s worth watching for the extreme personality that Morris exhibits.  

A Christmas Story 2 (HBO)

I am stunned that this was a thing. There actually was a real sequel to the beloved classic (directed by Bob Clark) a decade after it was first released in 1983 called My Summer Story. And that you didn’t know about it should tell you all you need to know about it.

This movie, on the other hand, went straight-to-video in 2012. That you didn’t know about it either should also tell you all you need to know. They tried so hard to recapture lighting in a bottle, with Ralphie at the age of 15, wanting a used car for Christmas, and of course, hi-jinks ensue. Narrator Nat Mauldin did a great Jean Shepherd impersonation, but everyone else in this movie is either phoning it in or trying like hell to act like just ten-year-old Peter Billingsley, and it does not hang together. There are maybe twelve watchable minutes in this movie that do not induce cringing and mild consternation over watching different actors in the roles you have known for years. There really is no way to replace Darren McGavin.

If you simply gotta watch it, my advice is to turn it on in the background, while you mull cider or wrap presents. This movie does not deserve your full attention.

The Top Five Classic Christmas Movies the Bunker Hosts Every Year Without Exception

5. White Christmas

4. How the Grinch Stole Christmas

3. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

2. Elf

1. A Christmas Story

What are your Top 5? List yours in the comments. And please note that we will accept Die Hard and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang as valid answers.